Tales from the Office
by Night Alchemist
Summary: Okay, here's a bunch of stories about, mostly, Roy and the other people in his office! [crack warning!] [thankies to my beta MoonStarDuchess]
1. The Talk

A/N I got this idea the other day; what if i made a bunch of storys about Roy and other members of the miliery? So this is what happened. Enjoy

* * *

The Talk

Ed and Al were walking though the halls of central, and Ed was fuming about giving another (in his opinion) pointless report of his progress on the philosopher's stone, and Ed had gone to his last resort; mocking.

"Hey bean, you forgot to capitalize the beginning of this sentence!" Ed mocked in a deep voice.

"Brother, I doubt he would be as mean as that-"

"Yes he is that mean! I hate that knit-picking colonel..."

They arrived at the office and Ed kicked the door open.

"COLONEL BASTARD!" Ed shouted in the general direction of Roy's office.

"No shouting!" Riza told him.

"Whatever," he said. Ed walked into Roy's office and as he was about to slam the report that was in his hands onto the desk, but he stopped when he saw Roy examining his personnel records.

"May I ask why the hell you are examining my records?"

"Well, I haven't seen you in a while so I decided that would take a glance at your records. I look at the personnel records of people under my command every once in a while."

"But why do you have that look on your face?" Ed asked.

"Well there are several reasons but I have found that you've had an interesting past-"

"What of it?" Ed said, getting angry about people talking (or reading) about his past.

"Since your mother died when you where young it's hard to believe that you had 'the talk'. As a result, it falls into the responsibility of your commander to" he sighed, "give you 'the talk'"

"You-" Ed said in shock..

"What about me?"

"What gives you the right to assume _that_?" his face was getting very red.

"Well-"

"You think that with my numerous years of traveling, I haven't had _one_ girl friend?" Ed started shouting, "You think that I'm still a virgin, at seventeen?"

"Well, no one explained-"

"I can read, can't I?"

"Well, yes."

"So? Even if it was only Winry who told me, and not my mom, I think that i don't need 'the talk' from you!" Ed stormed out of the office.

"Brother! Wait up! I'm sorry about big brother." He said then chased after him.

Riza walked into his office and sighed.

"Why did you say all that stuff to him, and suggest giving him 'the talk'? It said on his file that he already had ''the talk.'" Riza said.

"Well, a part from entertainment, I wanted to see him squirm." Riza fired three threatening shots over his head.

"What have i told you about teasing Ed?"

"You only said not to call him short!"

**Next Day...**

Roy walked into the office 6 minuets late, as always, but something was amiss...

_Okay, Furey's here Breeda, Havoc, Falmin, Hawkeye- no, she isn't here yet?_

"Havoc, where's second lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Not here."

"I can tell that, I didn't ask where she isn't I asked-" he was interrupted by said Lieutenant entering the office, with a smile on her face.

"You're late!"

"I apologize for my lateness sir."

"But, you're never late!"

She shrugged, and went to drop off the paper work at the appropriate in boxes, with that same smile. She finished that just as a certain blond haired alchemist skipped into the office.

"Fullmetal, not you to..." Roy muttered under his breath.

Ed skipped over to Riza and she bent down and he gave her a kiss on the cheek!

"I loved our date last night!" Riza said to Ed, putting Roy into a state of shock, while the other people in the room concentrated on their paperwork trying not to laugh.

"Ed-" Roy said, "You-" he then pointed to Riza who just kissed Ed on the head.

"Yes?" Riza said.

"YOU'RE DATING???" with that he sat down to prevent fainting. He grabbed a glass of water and started to drink.

"Who do you think really taught him about sex?" she asked. Roy spit out his water.

Every one in the whole office couldn't take it anymore and they all started laughing.

"APRIL FOOLS!" They all say.

* * *

Review! (I might write some more if i get a review or two...) 


	2. Asthma

Asthma

A month or two ago, Riza had made sure that Havoc didn't smoke in the office at all. No matter how much he pleaded, she wouldn't give in.

On this day it was Breda's, Falman's, and Furey's day off, so only Riza and Havoc where in the office... well at least Havoc was, Riza had just left to file some of the completed paperwork.

_Okay, she left, I bet she wouldn't notice if I had just one..._ Havoc thought as he took a cigarette from his pocket. Riza returned, and surprisingly enough, didn't notice. She started coughing.

"What's wrong?" he said worriedly while putting out his cigarette. She fell to the floor, still coughing. Havoc ran to her, and knelled next to her.

"What's wrong?" He repeated. She pointed to her desk and said, while coughing, "Top drawer."

He ran to her desk and opened the drawer, and found a bottle and a spoon in it, and ran back. He gave her a spoon of it. She drank it, and started coughing, which was starting to turn into wheezing. He ran back to the drawer, and pulled it all the way out, spilling it's contents onto the ground. He looked threw the stuff on the ground, and found a needle, _I don't know what this does, but I hope it works..._ he thought, and ran back to her.

He looked at her for a sign of what to do with the needle, and saw that she wasn't breathing any more. He stuck the needle in her arm, and she took a big breath, and opened her eyes. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I thought I said no smoking in the office." She sat up and hugged him around the neck, and started crying.

"I was so scared..." Havoc was stunned into silence. He never thought Riza would be scared of anything. He wrapped his arms around her.

"I. . .I'm sorry. . .I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me smoking did that to you?"  
She pulled away from him.

"Because it would. . ."

"Make you seem weak?" he finished.

She nodded and he smiled.

"It's alright to be weak sometimes," he said. "I am surprised that Roy didn't tell us."

"He...um..."

"He doesn't know?"

"No, could you not. . ."  
"You're secret is safe with me," he said.


	3. Dumb

Dumb

It was just another day in the office. Falman, Fuery, and Breda left for lunch and Roy was in a meeting. That left Havoc and Hawkeye alone in the office. Hawkeye decided that it was about time that she asked Havoc a question she'd been dying to ask.

"Why do you do it?" Hawkeye asked.

"Do what?" Havoc asked, playing dumb as usual.

"You know, act dumb around the office all the time." He laughed at her question then said,

"Why do you say that I act dumb?"

"Because you have to be smart if you have lived this long in the military. And to be a sniper, you have to be smarter than you act."

"And how do I act?"

"Well, for one thing, you take bets, even start bets, that are ridiculous-"

"I think that is called being a guy," he interrupted.

She sighed "Yes, but you're smarter than that. I've seen you in the office when you forget to act dumb. You think I don't know of the books that you read? My father was an alchemy teacher, I know that the books you read when you visited are possibly more advanced than the colonel. The colonel wouldn't even glace at those books."

"That doesn't keep you from dating him does it?" Havoc mumbled in a slightly jealous tone. Hawkeye caught the tone and frowned.

"I heard that and he's not stupid and you need to stop acting as if you are," she said choosing not to mention the tone he used. She loved him but not the way she did the colonel. At least not now, she still had feelings a bit, but they were waning the more she spent time with the colonel. "Why do you do it and give me a straight answer."

"Because it's fun."

She looked at him in shock "...fun?"

"Yeah, I always act stupid, because Falman, Fuery, and Bread think that they are the smartest group of people in central. So I just tag along, and have a blast. I was left a lot of money from my grandpa, so I don't lose that much with the five dollar bets that I make."

"Uh huh. But why do you let the colonel steal your girlfriends? I can think of at least one woman that would have liked to go out with you at one time."

"Who? Where?" Havoc said looking around.

"You know what? I take back what I said about you being smart." she said and walked away.

He thought about it for a moment. Riza and him???

"Oh damn." he ran off in her direction hoping that for once he could take the colonels girlfriend. He stopped in his tracks. Damn, he really was dumb.


	4. What's My Name Again?

Set just after Ed became a state alchemist.

* * *

**What's My Name Again?**

Ed was sitting outside Mustang's office, reading, and waiting for him to get back from lunch.

"FullMetal." He distantly heard someone call.

"FullMetal!" He heard it a bit louder.

_Why is someone shouting something like that? _He thought.

"FULL METAL!" Havoc shouted walking into the office.

"Stop it with the shouting!" Ed shouted.

_Wait, he was calling for the FullMetal alchemist...Oh right, that's me!_

"There ya are, chief! Mustang wants too see you in his new office, I don't think you got the memo, did ya?"

* * *

_A/N:_

_Just a little fic about how Ed couldn't remember that he's new name was FullMetal. _

_Reviews always brighten my day.  
_


End file.
